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im going to Italy next week. only for a week, but its a big step. everything is scary and I have to shake it off and find my way again. its really hard. I need lots of hugs but I don’t get many. i want someone to convince me that im going to be ok. that I will thrive some day not to long from now. I wish I could feel really… unconditionally loved. i feel so aloe even though im not really. anyway. travel is medicine. it reaches deep into me. I hope I don’t have any problems overseas since I cant get insurance. and then I have to come home and face six weeks of radiation therapy. fuck. idk man. I don’t know.


sizvideos:

Fawn Rescue - Video

thephilosophiles: sometimes you think its game over but its not.


:)

thank you. kind words really make me feel good

(Source: cultureincart)

haha. yup, pretty much this is me right now

haha. yup, pretty much this is me right now

(Source: catleecious)

this is how I feel

this is how I feel

its scary to see someone invoke karma. I hate seeing it in the making.

survived thyroid removal on Friday. found out I will need radiation. they were surprised I could speak as they had really hurt my vocal chord and a nerve trying to get a tumour out from being on them, I am so tired. im having a hard time catching my breath. someone I love very much, the person I depend on the most, told me he thinks I will eventually die from this cancer. I feel like my heart broke. it really hurt me so deeply. I learned that sometimes it is better to lie. if you have compassion you just would at a certain point. idk. anyways, I didn’t die yet. but the breathing. its hard. im going to sleep again. I hope I get better.

I have always wished I could turn off my feelings. but some of us are wired to feel too much. what to do.

yes! opposums are sparkly spirits. where did my two opposums go? I need them. bad raccoons that chased them away. theyre such thugs in my yard.

yes! opposums are sparkly spirits. where did my two opposums go? I need them. bad raccoons that chased them away. theyre such thugs in my yard.

(Source: champagnemanagement)

going in for my final (hopefully) operation this week. I had a huge fuss over getting my pain meds approved because they are narcotics and they finaly got approved and I literally had the prescription in my hand yesterday and today I cant find it anywhere. I feel like im going crazy. did I put it somewhere else? it was on my bed. and then I don’t remember. and im sure they wont re-prescribe it but im running out. I would not be coping without my anxiety meds. everything feels… slightly tinged and tainted. I am trying so hard to be positive but I am hanging on with a wing and a non-religious prayer. \I need hugs im not getting. I need to feel safe and I cant shake the dread. im trying to immerse myself in a bunch of flowers and plants and have expanded to a small corner of garden. I have to find something I love but the thing I truly love to do cost money and I don’t have tooo much of that. although can you ever have too much. yeah whatever wrt that. but ok, I can do this. can I? im loved. im safe. I have a home. I have food. I have flowers and plants. I have a car (rip AC). I have really good friends. my nurse is now my friend. I have nice followers here. I have… the ability to walk when it was iffy if I would retain that. I have cancer though. ugh. fuck. FUCK.  I have to find that stupid prescription. please universe? or I wont sleep.

I have medical care. I have hope. I have a chance still. I have gratitude in my heart. I have good books and magazines. good food. I might be able to travel this year if I can survive the next month or two well. I have tea…i’ll go make that right now. and chocolate. this is a time for such. bye

I have limited range of motion in an inward direction but I can walk. what a stupid place for a big tumor. in the fucking groin. but I guess people get them in the brain. it could be worse. I have pain.

im sorry. I dont mean to be negative. it burst out like steam.

drove for the first time in 2.5 months yesterday.

-_-

this makes me smile and feel less anxious. I don’t know why. so cute and funny and silly. how am I living without a dog?

this makes me smile and feel less anxious. I don’t know why. so cute and funny and silly. how am I living without a dog?


oh what a captain cuddles this funny little fox is. this makes me happy. but i still don’t know- what does the fox say? I think he’s saying I love you.

(Source: lawebloca.net)