now I know why I get so tired so suddenly. I want to do a bunch of things but I need a nap.
there is only so long you will get away with denying yourself what you want and what you need
I want a nap. I also need a nap. this is the new thing in my life. understanding. these concepts about want and need being the same thing for me after all.
Friends knowing the outlandish things to bring to a very sick friend at the hospital. Never tried these before and I doubt it will work on me but we shall see.
im so scared. im so vulnerable. I can barely stand it. this moment right here is the actual calm before the storm.
From Jennifer Lawrence at the Golden Globes to Anna from Frozen , Angie and Mayhem have created dozens of fabulous dresses out of materials straight from the craft shop. All photos via Instagram.co…
you have to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-thephilosophiles
ps why don’t they have a click link to share it on tumblr? tumblr is the best.
dude this really kills me. oh wait bad choice of words. ok here is a review given to my specialist on ratemds.com:
"Dr. (I deleted name) was a friendly guy, but I admit that after finding out that what I was told was a cancerous tumor from other doctors in my leg was in fact beneign, that’s when he stopped spending time with me. I understand he is a busy man, he is good at what he does, no doubt, but I hope that he understands one day that ALL patients who come to him are important, and not just the ones with the most serious cases. I was a little shocked when he spent less than 5 minutes with me to explain what the problem in my leg was, after I’d spend months in severe pain from it, I don’t even know exactly what it was still. He explained it all, quickly, and only once. I’d like to see him again to schedule an appointment to have the lump in my leg removed, as it is beginning to cause me pain again. Overall, Dr. (deleted) is a great guy, he’s busy, but he does his best. I don’t blame him for not being able to spend as much time with me as with others, but it would have been nice.
what an asshole. haha. im laughing so hard. the doctor is dedicated to saving lives of people with malignant cancer. so if you get the thumbs up to fuck off because you are not going to die, why..ugh, why do these people speak at all? so selfish. “it woulda been nice”. did he want to have a chat about the game and whats on sale at the mall? i’ll tell you what woulda been nice: if he had only patients with a clue. he’s not a maître d’. I mean the guy is known to be a nice and kind specialist by all and sunder and thats so rare. and when you’ve had medical care from the kind of people who got a medical degree because their mommy and daddy would like to tell their friends why they are superior, and said practitioner could really care less about your feelings, then you know the difference of what would be nice. oh and I had that dr jekyl mr hyde woman gynaecologist! oh man people are so funny when they can only see out of their head and cant look into it. its called insight. gawd.
"he does his best."
yeah he does motherfucker. pardon my language but jeeeez.
see this is why I don’t take it personally that I might die. because so many losers and assholes get to live. so it is nooooo judgment of my deserving anything, that’s for sure.
wow I make so many phonetic typos these days. I wrote “souls of your feet”. this really is hilarious. I consider myself extremely literate but wow. brains do their processing thing and I am finding the fuller your head gets, the harder it is to stop stuff from bubbling over the edge and making a mess.
souls … ahaha
we all arrive at that crossroads at some point. for some of us, many times. the courage to stand your ground. its like the warriors of old who used to go into battles in actual warring clashes. you ride or march in and know you might die that day and you accept that, you have fear in your belly, but you didn’t run and you sure as hell aint going down without a fight.
my grandfather had a rare form of bone cancer when I was little and he beat it. years later he had lung cancer and had a lung removed. he lived to 89. I have the blood of the lucky (beating death), the fighters, the rebels, and the royals. maybe it counts for the audacity to think I can maybe do this. but it depends on how far along things are. I looked at my ct scan… did I already say that? and it looks like a bone has totally been eaten away and the size of the tumor is really big. its weird looking at your own ct scan. my legs start out looking like cartoon pork legs. haha. like a round bone with the hole in the middle surrounded by meat. 2 osso bucco’s. haha. and then you scroll and it rolls up along your body revealing your insides in black and white. its like looking through your body through the souls of your feet and scanning up. a very weird perspective. hello ribs! hello kidneys! ooh I hope all that gas gets out of those bowels soon, lol. it freaks me out that we are meat. I mean we know that but we don’t know know that. until you see your own pork chops. eeek sorry if that’s gross to you. I find it fascinating. my rational mind is like an awesome tank in the way it can plow through and roll over things with cool observation. sometimes its bad and sometimes its good. right now my cancer is the tank and my spirit
is the man in that infamous moment in tiananmen square.
its weird looking at things from the perspective of not being here in this big old world anymore. little things like the person you watch survivor with never watching them with you again. waiting for then next season of your favourite show. missing your child’s wedding. having maybe already seen your last Christmas. hearing a song is even different. and the past drifts into your memory in a most bittersweet way. I want to buy presents and cards for everyone. I realize I love to many people to do all the things I want to do and say all the things I want to say just in case I never get the chance again. its really good to be full of love. it feels good. I think of people who are hungry for all the wrong things as hallmarks of their worth and success. but when losing the sweetness of your love is the greatest grief some people will know, as deeply pained as I feel thinking about that, I know I have actually lived well.
I don’t know what the situation is. I have to wait til sunday to start to unravel what comes next. I have too much to do for everyone else and I feel tired. but its good to push yourself to give as much as you can. but sometimes I don’t think I can anymore and then I have such a deep desire to give more. so I fear slipping into a level of self focus and disconnect and losing my bearings. who am I if not to love?
its also scary to have to think about if you might have to choose being wheelchair bound or death. I am so sad about maybe not wanting to live under certain extreme limitations. but then the thought of the loss all around if I die because of… ugh. this is all a lot to process. its funny how I knew this was coming. all those concerts. all those cities. all that seeking and transforming. come on universe. Im not cool with being a poignant story. I don’t want a randy pausch level of teaching the people I leave behind how to appreciate life. i don’t need to be remembered by the moved masses. no. I want to still get to the place of my highest potential. and maybe this would make me so much more fearless and focused if I can buy myself more time. a good life. I have more I want to do. this time just for me even. I want to see the joy I bring to the people I love. I want to be happy and free. but like not in the dead way.
its weird. im not bitter. im not despondent. im so strong in a way I never fully saw until now. I have been fighting cancer for more than a year and I didn’t even know it. anemia. sliding over the edge of a cliff. death defying driving on the autobahn. man I should have racked up more tickets. uh well, maybe not. depends how this goes.
but what if the level at which I can love is already the potential I was meant to achieve? then I have leveled up? but cant I stay and have fun for a while?
there is a point of no return. im not sure where mine is. I realize all the times I thought I was weak, I was actually so strong. I pulled my self out of hell. I defied death many times. well, actually, the universe intervened in my imminent death many times. and I don’t know if this is the moment to accept and be or fight like a hellcat that needs a miracle to come out of a fight alive.
I don’t know. and yet all along I knew everything. and nothing. and still nothing. and everything I need to know.