Apparently I say call everyone “dude” a bit when im all morphined up for the pain.
…I am so emotionally exhausted. I felt like a had a pretty happy day and even saw my nephew shoot a winning goal in his hockey game. he was so happy I saw. and then near the end of the day I hear from my sister and mother that my cousin and his girlfriend booked their “vacation” already. no one talked to me about it. I had finally come to the strength and conclusion to ask that he not come and now its too late. they discussed it amongst themselves and decided it was a fabulous idea. i asked why noone talked to me about it and my mother says “why should we?”. as if, now that they realized i am unhappy about it, it can be all swept under the rug. just a little vacay. oh really? hes not coming to see me? REAlllllly?? I went into a crying fit meltdown so fast I shocked my own self. like full on distraught and frustrated. and then it went from one clueless attempt to another by mom and sis to minimize my feelings and distress. and so her opinion is if I don’t want to see them I don’t have to. people have no fucking clue sometimes. they paint you into a corner and then point out how you always seem painted into a corner. im so fucking tired. I was hoping that if a miracle happens I would leave for Italy end of may/beginning of june to start some rehab, both physical and emotional asap, when I was no longer literally radioactive and if I could walk. my doctor says it may take a year to get to walking well. and yet they booked to be here til june 10 and it would mess so many things up that were hopefully aligning to happen if things went really well. there is so much I could say to justify my pov and position but the problem is I have spent my whole life being misunderstood and feeling the need to do that and it is so defeating I almost just want to throw in the towel. when you are fighting for your life, its the little things that push you closer to living and closer to dying. its so palpable in my body. right now im so fucking tired all the time as it is, but this here weakens my spirits so much. this week I go into my eight hour tumor removal and possibly another major surgery and I just got out of one two weeks ago. and another one last may. and im just tired of fighting so hard just to get to the starting line. I don’t feel good. I feel so stressed out. and yes yes, even now people tell me it could be worse. it could be worse. wow, that makes me feel…wait, no…fuck off. let me be overwhelmed with this and have feelings about it. or is it my job to make everybody fucking comfortable and smiling and cared for all the time?
sorry about the venting here. but I am sooooo in need of getting this out of my system. I don’t expect anyone to understand how I feel. im odd, I know. my life has been odd.
anyways, the next two weeks determine my fate. I may be quite sporadic here during that time. and if i am on don’t be surprised if I start posting pictures of food and things I like. ive been meaning to for a long time.
now im going to feel bad for being such a jerk. I always feel bad and guilty like everything is my fault always everywhere. if only if only I was able to… what? damn. im so tired. soul deep tired.
I have to visualize my happy nephews and my babycat and how many smiles they had today.
solitude and self isolation can be essential and sacred to a busy mind and overwhelmed body, soul, heart. I love this picture for kind of unintentionally illustrating the beauty and essence of solitude.
and you may be right butterfly, I may need to have a talk, with those of good intent, about needing mine in the upcoming months and hope they will understand. my recovery is going to be led by my state of mind and I have to put myself first, as hard as it is. hard even when it may cost me my life not to. thanks for the caring input. :)
wow. I want this island.
the thing I am learning so much in this phase of my life is that very little is black and white as id like it to be. there are nothing but spectrums. like light, it can be white or refract into rainbows. there is no black and white. the most loving thing my favourite cousin can do for me is something he would not do for another human being on earth, not even the love his life. he would get on a plane for me. and maybe because of that I would allow him into my space as primally excruciating as I fear it will be. my mom and sister know they weren’t anywhere there for me in my darkest days, and surprisingly battling death and cancer are not apparently my darkest days. loveless and forsaken is darker than death. and now they want to be there for me and are envious of the time I give to those who have been a part of my life more consistently. and my sweet little nephews who need to see me before I go into this battle and who knows what comes out the other side? but they feel hurt. they want me to need them now. ugh. and I can never do enough and its overwhelming.
nothing is black and white after all. not even black and white.
im so frustrated right now and this is the only place I can vent. aaaaaaaaaaaarrgh.
very few people understand the reason i seclude myself a lot and need so much privacy. if i ever invite you to my home, it is rare and it would be even rarer that i would feel comfortable with you there. it is a real eccentricity of mine. like, well who are those weird recluses of all time..howard hughes? who is that? Brigit bardot? idk. i can go on all manner of adventures with all kinds of people, and if i like you, you will be ensconced in a feeling of belonging to me in a very warm and comforting way, even if you cant access me all the time. if i love you, well, you’re in for a treat. loving warmly is my strong suit. there is a BUT. but my home is especially sacred as a place where i don’t need to let the outside in. it is a hideaway for me where it is even rare that i let my loved ones come over freely. and that is because i have spent years moving from depression to giving all my time and energy to those i loved to now being extremely physically ill. and to put it fairly, i may be decently endowed in some areas of my personality but domesticity is not one of those areas. i am not hausfrau material. i am messy as a frat boy and i cant help it. i am not dirty or filthy, and i make sporadic efforts to be on top of everything, but i don’t make it a priority to clean up like a mad European, many of whom i am well acquainted with. its just not in the triple gemini wiring. nor the wiring of the royal side of my family maybe? but ugh, nothing turns my stomach quicker than conversing with someone who is obsessed with “wifely” duties of cleaning home and being houseproud. because we rarely have much in common. it is most often a certain type of person that has those traits and i cant stand that kind of person. and i don’t mean organized or homey nurturing people, but people who judge you as a woman for your housecleaning abilities. who makes their beds every day? fuck. that. it drives me mental. its better we just meet on common ground ive found, and that’s why i love traveling and being out and about and can be friendly and really interested and connect deeply, yet my home is my safe place for solitude. i hate being judged for something i feel i cannot change or focus on. anyways, this need for all kinds of privacy is a particular hardcore quirk of mine. you must get some clue of that simply by noting the lack of very personal photographs of me and my sanctuaries.
so today i was told that it was decided, without my input or consent, that my favourite cousin (he is a he) will be coming with his girlfriend to visit me next month, as i try to recuperate, and for maybe three weeks, maybe IN MY HOUSE. i want to cry. i want to explode. i want to run away. just leave me alone while i try to heal. people say they wont or don’t judge you but they do. oh yessss they do. and i also have such internal pressure to dote on and care for loved ones and how am i going to feel at peace and take my time healing and trying to regain some sense of mobility and self esteem? with people in my space?!? i am going to have to give them my fucking bed!! its simply who i am. even though they put me in the spider basement and let the cat shit dry on the floor in front of my door in their huge grand home, i couldnt do anything but give them my king sized sacred bed. :(!!! that is my respite. i want to heal and be in my nest and they will take it from me for three weeks. im so upset i could just fucking die and give up. people just don’t understand how much my solitude in this particular place means to me. im going to worry about if there is food in the fridge, or if they are entertained. lets be clear, they are not coming with the intent to care for me but just to be a loving presence. but so now i cant just sit in my living room in my undies with a massive crusty wound, nay two, needing airing trying to heal from life threatening cancer in peace. oh no. mother fuck i am so beside myself i cant stand it. and the worst part is they think they are doing me this huge loving favour because my cousin is deathly afraid to fly and refuses to fly for anyone or anything. so he is coming from Germany (home of the most houseproud people on earth… well that whole Europe thing like i said. not including france and England). i don’t want them to come here. i just don’t. of all the times in my life this is the worst. god i wish i could pay for a hotel for them. i have been ill and weak for years. there are boxes and piles and stuff that needs to be sorted through. a whole lifetime of stuff tbh. i cant fucking stand being encroached on. i just cant bear it. that is why the simple miracle of wanting to invite a very select few friends and loved ones to my new retreat in the alps is one of the biggest acts of growth of my life. i am finally willing to let people into my personal sanctuary space in some way. i thought this was epic growth on my part. but now i just really want to give up the whole fight. i feel defeated. it drives me crazy. leave my sanctuary to me and the very tiny circle that i know accepts me and loves me with all my flaws and quirks. i don’t want them here. and that makes me feel guilty and that makes me feel sick and unhappy.
k. just venting. im feeling so bad. but just. ugh. no. :( what if i cant even walk? feeling so frustrated. -__-
I wish I had pretty pictures to post and I actually have so much I want to share but I have to kind of prepare for surgery(ies?) this week. I felt pere call to me Thursday and I was surprised that I almost forgot about my pere tree but I went. and it was an amusing and nurturing exchange. I tried to blog about it from my phone but it didn’t work. anyways, I left pere with a big smile on my face and having scared the crap out of someone wondering why I was lurking by this tree with my forehead pressed against it and then offering nuts and banana chips all around it, and how do I explain my shamanic journey and that I might die next week or next month or god knows when and that I need to draw energy from this here dead lookin tree. I know how all of it looks and sounds.
in the moment I am feeling so blessed but I have the fight of my life coming up right about now. I realize I have been fighting all year. all of the world journeying and the weeping in the forests and finding new kindred souls to travel with me on this next part of my journey. finding new strength in my rock who, ugh, such a long story and journey our epic bond. my rock whom I discovered I could literally wake up and summon to come to me with the crying of my soul. that is bonded! then my bestie whose roses refuse to die for a looooong time by my bedside. my lil baffle who is my badass honeybadger soul mate child. so much love and kindness and luck and grace coming at me so much so that I worry I might be dying indeed because what on earth is all of this now? wow. and just… too much happening. its like a whirlwind tornado hurricane. I am so happy and yet so frightened and at peace and then sometimes a little girl crying. then a lioness fierce and ready. I don’t know. just let me walk. and… keep me feeling this grace and gratitude. if I can pull myself through with the help of epic love and kindness and protection, I can convalesce in Europe this summer and already a magical hideaway is being transformed over there as I type. people want me to see this beautiful mountain retreat that I designed ready asap. this is their gift to me to heal. another loe has easels and brushes and canvases and paint for me. and I want to show it to you! I will. i’ll try. ok. that’s it for now. please think positive vibes towards me and I will be sure to radiate good fortune and warm cosmic … stuff! to you.
you are important too! your own kindness intent to me or anyone else will heal whatever ails your heart too. you’ll see.
I always knew I would be asked to find and harness warrior will. we’ll see. nothings sure. I might live and might die. but… why am I even now still so busy and pushing myself so hard and going full throttle? and then the dear ones who all want my time and I feel I cant ever do enough for everyone and its exhausting. but thats life. and I keep trying. I can rest for a bit on the operating table.
damn my comptris beig a butt. timtosto tyin. litrally oo thi!! it is glitching. and takiforever to type and glity aaaaaaaaarrrgh
This raccoon never left the side of a cat who was dying of a tumor. The cat was comforted for the final hours of her life by her long time friend.
the last gif tho, he pats the cat, omg
THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN :’(
Badami, Karnataka, India.
Horoheki means wanderlust - and that’s what my blog is about!
today is The Day. everything is going to be spelled out for me today- when my next surgeries are (next week), what the risks are, where im at, do I have time on this earth? am I limited to a year? what? will i be able to walk? what happens if not? it will be revealed in 11 hours.
um also I might as well share this little vignette from my day here as well. today I wore my hospital gown around the house. pfft, “gown”. anyway at around 8:30pm I was desperate for a coffee from my corner drivethru coffee shop so I threw on a jacket and had nothing but the gown and slippers with a jacket. plus obnoxious looking giant hiking socks. I hadnt planned on it but I felt cravings so I went to the variety store to get some drinks and snacks. I knew I looked a sight so I apologized to the store owner and said I had just gotten out of the hospital. then when we added up my stuff the total came to $17.77 and I was like “wow, that seems so lucky! three 7’s”. then I pulled out my credit card and the Asian convenience store owner looked sad. they don’t accept credit cards. he said I could get a cash withdrawal against my visa from a money machine behind me. I was like no, but thanks. then I found a secret stash of $10 in my phone and I started picking things to put away from my order. and I could feel he felt bad and I felt like a butt and then as we got down to $10.45 he says “that’s ok don’t worry about it” I said “no no I don’t want to do that to you!” and he said no its ok, you are sick and you deserve a nice treat. and I was going to run to the car to get the 45 cents but then I stopped, ever wanting to be overly strong and not “taking advantage” but he was simply feeling good about being kind and so i just accepted his kindness graciously and I was so heart filled with surprise and happiness. I point out that he was Asian because sometimes people make fun of that demographic if variety store owners. and now you see, each person has a right to be evaluated as an individual. he was so nice and if I die and become a saint I will come grant him a wish. hey maybe I can already do that! i’ll try. :)
I speak pug. I know what he’s saying. also, like us humans, pugs are not fully aware that they are part of the animal kingdom like the rest of the beasts.
petition to rename the usa ‘south canada’
what about alaska
are we then normal canada
canada a bit to the left
What about South America? Is that just America? Or South South Canada?
i cried my ass of laughing
i caN’T BREATHE OH MY GOD
I’m not even from Canada but I approve this change of names
overwhelmed a bit at the moment…
so here you go. my thoughts for you right now=when in doubt, kittehs and puppies
eek, im at a hotel in the downtown core of Toronto and it sounds like a braveheart level of battle is going on out there. darkness is so sad. dark hearts are so sad. so ugh.
Toronto is such a gentle city and one of the most tolerant on earth and the bizarre thing is that despite what I am hearing I wouldn’t be afraid to go out there. ok maybe a little. but its not scary like megacities in the states. I think its all to do with… um, yeah lots of stuff. but then I just saw a supestretch limo coast by. we live in so many overlapping universes on this one planet in this one life. can you even imagine being a god?