im going to Italy next week. only for a week, but its a big step. everything is scary and I have to shake it off and find my way again. its really hard. I need lots of hugs but I don’t get many. i want someone to convince me that im going to be ok. that I will thrive some day not to long from now. I wish I could feel really… unconditionally loved. i feel so aloe even though im not really. anyway. travel is medicine. it reaches deep into me. I hope I don’t have any problems overseas since I cant get insurance. and then I have to come home and face six weeks of radiation therapy. fuck. idk man. I don’t know.
thephilosophiles: sometimes you think its game over but its not.
thank you. kind words really make me feel good
haha. yup, pretty much this is me right now
its scary to see someone invoke karma. I hate seeing it in the making.
survived thyroid removal on Friday. found out I will need radiation. they were surprised I could speak as they had really hurt my vocal chord and a nerve trying to get a tumour out from being on them, I am so tired. im having a hard time catching my breath. someone I love very much, the person I depend on the most, told me he thinks I will eventually die from this cancer. I feel like my heart broke. it really hurt me so deeply. I learned that sometimes it is better to lie. if you have compassion you just would at a certain point. idk. anyways, I didn’t die yet. but the breathing. its hard. im going to sleep again. I hope I get better.
I have always wished I could turn off my feelings. but some of us are wired to feel too much. what to do.
yes! opposums are sparkly spirits. where did my two opposums go? I need them. bad raccoons that chased them away. theyre such thugs in my yard.
going in for my final (hopefully) operation this week. I had a huge fuss over getting my pain meds approved because they are narcotics and they finaly got approved and I literally had the prescription in my hand yesterday and today I cant find it anywhere. I feel like im going crazy. did I put it somewhere else? it was on my bed. and then I don’t remember. and im sure they wont re-prescribe it but im running out. I would not be coping without my anxiety meds. everything feels… slightly tinged and tainted. I am trying so hard to be positive but I am hanging on with a wing and a non-religious prayer. \I need hugs im not getting. I need to feel safe and I cant shake the dread. im trying to immerse myself in a bunch of flowers and plants and have expanded to a small corner of garden. I have to find something I love but the thing I truly love to do cost money and I don’t have tooo much of that. although can you ever have too much. yeah whatever wrt that. but ok, I can do this. can I? im loved. im safe. I have a home. I have food. I have flowers and plants. I have a car (rip AC). I have really good friends. my nurse is now my friend. I have nice followers here. I have… the ability to walk when it was iffy if I would retain that. I have cancer though. ugh. fuck. FUCK. I have to find that stupid prescription. please universe? or I wont sleep.
I have medical care. I have hope. I have a chance still. I have gratitude in my heart. I have good books and magazines. good food. I might be able to travel this year if I can survive the next month or two well. I have tea…i’ll go make that right now. and chocolate. this is a time for such. bye
I have limited range of motion in an inward direction but I can walk. what a stupid place for a big tumor. in the fucking groin. but I guess people get them in the brain. it could be worse. I have pain.
im sorry. I dont mean to be negative. it burst out like steam.
this makes me smile and feel less anxious. I don’t know why. so cute and funny and silly. how am I living without a dog?