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getreadytosw-eat:

Pascalle
our ends are beginnings

wow what a picture…

pixography:

Zdzisław Beksiński

 

pixography:

Zdzisław Beksiński


 


Vérone, Italyby Ian Webb

im so lost. how? how do I fight this? where is it leading me?

Vérone, Italy
by Ian Webb


im so lost. how? how do I fight this? where is it leading me?

(Source: realskinneednomask)


mydarkenedeyes:

Nikita Gill - A Quiet Day In Wonderland (2014)

adieu


"Radioactive"

Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa

I’m waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I’m breathing in the chemicals

I’m breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive

I raise my flags, don my clothes
It’s a revolution, I suppose
We’ll paint it red to fit right in
Whoa

I’m breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive

All systems go, the sun hasn’t died
Deep in my bones, straight from inside

I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive

(Source: <iframe width="560" height="315" src=")

tomorrow I am going to check into the hospital and get a radiation treatment that will require me to be in quarantine for 2 days in there and then five more days at home in my room. and then hopefully the treatment will kill any potential cancer cells left of the thyroid cancer. I guess its pretty lucky to have stage 4 cancer and maybe walk away (however with a little limp) maybe. but the mental battle is really hard on top of the physical challenges. today I had a medication that was $1000 per shot injected into my leg. tomorrow I get one more. I am lucky to be living in an era where I can get the kind of help I need. I am very grateful, depressive episodes not withstanding. um did I phrase that right? anyhoo. whatever will be will be.

its funny how last year at around this time I was sitting at Stonehenge and listening to the song Radioactive by imagine dragons and I had this whole music video develop in my minds eye about how a person who became radioactive discovered a portal into the future and drew power from the stonehenge. I cant remember what else was in that scenario. but the whole thing danced in my mind about this person who became advanced because of the radioactive thing and now maybe it was just a foreshadowing of the fact that it was going to be me. I was going to be radioactive in a year. and I would be drawing on the power of my journey.

dear reader friend, please send a kind thought my way? i’ll send you back good karma. I got powers you know. haha. I actually believe that. but my powers… can I use them on me? or do we have to wish them for each other?

I want to thrive. I want my heart to feel light and content. I want my brain to feel happy and hopeful. I want to THRIVE.

I don’t know if im going to make it. im trying but at this point, well I can see it is chemical as well. I don’t like to look at depression and the accompanying feelings of absolute futility as merely a function of “health” and “disease” because then I guess it means, to me, that I have less or no power to control it. on an intuitive level i can’t believe that. but maybe that’s a fact, idk. its complex. but I am seeing that people with my condition, and others in similar situations, have the same things happening and it is, bottom line, a function of hormonal imbalance, that is not so much in my control. its amazing how it feels like its your fault but its not. its frustrating. how much is in our hands? and I guess then if one doesn’t make it, its not really entirely our fault? shit. its a real struggle because I want to fix it and I assume that if it gets fixed it will be by having found a way to transcend the physical limitations and parameters.

you can not “will power” your way out of depression if it is due to a chemical imbalance can you? is that what enlightenment is? or partially? if you can harness your souls power can you override the system? can you take full charge of your health and your body? like in the movie Lucy? I liked that movie. but like that, I have always wondered what would happen if you could gain more and more control over your brain. the flaw in my theories, I am starting to realize, is that all this time I have made the mistake of thinking that the mind, when fully developed, was about pure logic and knowledge and thought. I now think (yes, ironically) that there is a level you have to get to that transcends thought. and it doesn’t mean ignorance or thoughtlessness. it doesn’t mean you can be a non thinker and get there. it means you have to catapult past the limitations of thought and logic once you have exhausted the limits of those, although you have the capacity to integrate them (thought pure logic) where needed and then transcend it to higher thought, higher knowing, intuition and spiritual…power. the power of your own light.

whoa, that just popped out of the ends of my fingers. i’ll have to re-read that at some point and contemplate it further. my heart is overloading. my mind is overloading. my body is being pushed so far. I just want to be…what? content and thriving.

nobody said it was easy

the point to life is to achieve moments of wonder. to give love and learn to receive it well and gratefully/graciously/humbly/reciprocally. its to keep each other going, as well as ourselves, and keep the light in ourselves and each other flowing. its to advance on a spiritual level and evolve as a soul. its not easy and we have forever, hence reincarnation (I believe).

thank you so much little Icelandic bird. your kind words meant a lot to me. ^_^

life is always so complicated. and im so unbearably tired. I want to be well again. I don’t remember when the last time I felt well was. im reading a book called The Monk who sold his Ferrari. its been around forever like most knowledge has, but I picked it up a few weeks ago and am working my way through it. the problem with the book is it makes a few assumptions including that you will be medically well enough to do the things they suggest.

will I make it through this?

there are moments when i think that the fight is the purpose. i mean i don&#8217;t like that fact, but maybe at the end if you just pull through, in the end it will all have been worth it and you might be allowed by the universe to live out your days in peace and contentment and passion and love and rejoicing life. it seems so possible in some brief fleeting tiny moments and then so impossible much of the time. im struggling with so many questions and issues, things i thought were resolved but theyre not. i cant even do all the positive things i want to do to be back on the right track. i can barely walk right now because i have a stress fracture in my pelvis and some other shitty after effects of the tumor removal surgery. i feel like i will triumph, that i am meant to find the answer, but why the hell do things have to be hard at all? it isn&#8217;t enough to be kind and loving and thoughtful and do good in the world. but why is that not enough? how does evil and badness on so may levels get a foothold in life? it thrives where good and light struggles to shine. so much goodness and happiness buckling under the weight of the bad stuff. its such a shame. i don&#8217;t want the darkness to win. that is my fatal flaw. i get bitter about the ay things are sometimes. i feel helpless. but now the fight has been scaled right back to basics- the fight just to live and thrive. not again but for the first time in my life. im still trying to find my purpose. i had one and now its gone and i need to find a new one and live for me.
anyway i want to figure it out. i need to crack the code.

there are moments when i think that the fight is the purpose. i mean i don’t like that fact, but maybe at the end if you just pull through, in the end it will all have been worth it and you might be allowed by the universe to live out your days in peace and contentment and passion and love and rejoicing life. it seems so possible in some brief fleeting tiny moments and then so impossible much of the time. im struggling with so many questions and issues, things i thought were resolved but theyre not. i cant even do all the positive things i want to do to be back on the right track. i can barely walk right now because i have a stress fracture in my pelvis and some other shitty after effects of the tumor removal surgery. i feel like i will triumph, that i am meant to find the answer, but why the hell do things have to be hard at all? it isn’t enough to be kind and loving and thoughtful and do good in the world. but why is that not enough? how does evil and badness on so may levels get a foothold in life? it thrives where good and light struggles to shine. so much goodness and happiness buckling under the weight of the bad stuff. its such a shame. i don’t want the darkness to win. that is my fatal flaw. i get bitter about the ay things are sometimes. i feel helpless. but now the fight has been scaled right back to basics- the fight just to live and thrive. not again but for the first time in my life. im still trying to find my purpose. i had one and now its gone and i need to find a new one and live for me.

anyway i want to figure it out. i need to crack the code.


lucky shot. you know those little red spider mites that run really fast? i hate them so much because they make me afraid to sit on my patio and eat or drink at the table out there because there seem to be a lot of them this summer and they bolt all over my table and chairs and patio. or im just sort of house bound and here all the time so i see them more. but its smaller than a pin head and look at the details my camera caught. EWWWWW!!!!!! but does he have confidence and existential issues? noooooo? the ugly creepy lil dude. ugh. nature has some things i don’t like. but when you think about it it is basically a crab on the land. and yet i eat crab cakes when im travelling. and they are basically spiders of the ocean. its funny what your mind chooses to accept and reject for all manner of arbitrary reasons.